The Weight of Guilt
by Cho Koume
Summary: Things happen that we have no control over. Allen's wounds were serious and it's more than Lavi can bear; he soon becomes self-destructive, but when he's forced to face the boy and his guilt on another case, can he? Or will he fall deeper into darkness?
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: Okay, since my readers enjoyed my first D. Gray Man story, I have decided to add a sequel! As always, reviews are always welcome! And as always, I do not own this series or its characters!

Guilt…. It was a demon that follows you around. It digs its claws deep into you and refuses to let go. It is a monster which causes you pain every moment of every day; it reminds you of things better left forgotten; it forces you to linger on painful thoughts…. But it is a monster of your own creation….of Lavi's creation. Even weeks after that troubling assignment, Lavi could still feel the chilling cold of the rain; he could still feel the sting of the wound in his leg; he could still see that look… the look which horrified him more than anything: that of his dear friend's as life slowly leaked out of him. Whenever he closed his eyes, Lavi saw it over and over again… No detail was too small for that eye to store in his mind. The grass was damp from the rain- it made a squishing sound as he shifted his stance over it; the Akuma's sickening cackle echoed all around him, drowning out almost all other sound other than that of his friend's painful gasping, and the air… the air was so thick with the smell of blood… Even after so much time had passed, the smell of Allen's crimson life stung his nose. It was all too much… Why was he tormented so? Why did he have to continue to suffer? He had saved Allen after all of that, hadn't he? Why, then, was he being swallowed by that intense guilt? Could it be because, despite his efforts after the fact, he had still failed to uphold his promise? He swore to himself that he would not let Allen get hurt… And he had failed, and now he had to live with his failure. Along with the dreams, the lingering memories, each morning before the sun had risen, Lavi would wake with a start, covered in a cold sweat, breath struggling to stay in his lungs. This morning was no different.

Sitting up in his bed, Lavi gasped and panted. His hands tightly gripped his covers and his mussy hair hung down over his face, shoulders shaking hard. Every night, every morning… every minute of every day was a living nightmare for poor Lavi. Two weeks had passed since his and Allen's return to the order, two weeks since that awful assignment, two weeks since he'd gotten a decent night's sleep… At first, when Allen had finally woken up after being stabbed, Lavi was elated. He thought everything would be okay, but he was wrong. When he was brought back to the order, Allen was examined by a professional, and they found what Lavi had not… an infection. The organ which Lavi had poorly repaired had been infiltrated by harmful bacteria which had caused more damage than Lavi realized. Because of his amateur medical knowledge and the lack of proper antibiotics, the infection spread quickly. By the time he was in professional care, it was already too late and they had no choice but to remove both Allen's appendix and one of his kidneys. Lavi had hurt Allen much more seriously than he thought… and he suffered for Allen's suffering.

However, Allen was healing very well. His wound had closed and he was on his feet acting more or less the same. He had to be careful of what he ate, how he moved, and he had to continue taking medication, but other than that, he was okay. More than Lavi was, anyway. Lavi avoided Allen like the plague. Even looking at his friend was painful, and there wasn't a moment that he wasn't on the redhead's mind. …Well… almost never a moment…. Locked in his room, isolated from everyone, Lavi had eventually found a way to relieve himself of his torment, if only for a single moment. He knew it was wrong and dangerous… he knew he would be scolded or worse if anyone knew, but he wanted it… he wanted it right now. Pulling his soaked blanket off of his shaking form, Lavi sat up on the edge of his bed so that he could reach beneath it to pull a plain wooden box from within its dark depths. The box itself was nothing special- just something he had made out of boredom while sitting in solitude some years back. He hadn't even used it before this traumatic event, but the purpose it served and the cargo it held was less than healthy. Opening it slowly Lavi beheld his source of relief, his sanctuary, his sin... a box cutter.

Such a simple thing it was. So fragile, so small… and yet so necessary for Lavi to maintain his sanity. He pulled it out and just held it for a moment like he always did. His rational mind was screaming at him by now, trying to alter his plans, to change his will, but like always, it failed to convince Lavi or change his mind. Holding it firmly with his fingers, Lavi worked at rolling up one of his shirt sleeves to reveal several small scars. Yes, he'd been at this for a while. Most were still a ways away from being fully healed, but they were working on it. Silently, Lavi cursed his body for healing so quickly, and he cursed this part of him that wanted to make those marks. He hated seeing them and hid them as much as he could, but when the pain was just too much to bear, he would look…

It was an awful thing to do, Lavi knew that, but still he couldn't stop his body from moving. His fingers pushed the blade up, and his hand brought it to his scarred wrist. He didn't wanted this… but, he needed it…. Taking a deep breath, Lavi closed his eyes and applied pressure. It stung as the blade pierced into his delicate flesh, but as he pulled the blade across the expanse of skin, the pain began to fade. When he was satisfied, he pulled the box cutter away and finally looked. It was almost amazing how quickly the blood rose from inside and left the cut. It was slow at first, then gradually more came to the surface to spill over his pale wrist. Lavi watched it, almost mesmerized by its flow. Ah… there it is…. Suddenly, there was the feeling he longed for: nothingness. The first time he ever cut himself, he was so distraught that he almost wanted to die, but when enough blood had left him, he felt oddly at peace. All feeling had left him and all around him, inside him, was emptiness. There was no pain, no hurt, no suffering. After that, he was hooked. He longed for that feeling more than anything, no matter how sinful it was.

Lavi lied back onto his bed, relishing the nothingness as long as he could. This feeling didn't last long, but it was all Lavi had t comfort himself. Once feeling started to return to him, he put pressure on his wrist to stifle some of the bleeding. It always ended far too quickly, but it was enough. However, when a sudden knock came to his door, it broke Lavi out of his trance-like state and panic started to well up inside him. He sat up quickly, knocking the box and box cutter to the floor as his head whipped towards the door. It was rare for someone to come to his room, so who was it? And why did he feel so… wrong?

"Lavi! Lavi, you bastard! Open the door!" Aw, crap! A visit from Kanda was rare, and usually foreshadowed disaster. To make matters worse, Lavi was covered in his own blood and it wasn't stopping! Kanda continued to abuse his door, shouting at him loudly as Lavi searched fervently for something to wrap his wrist with. His companion's angry yelling was making it difficult for Lavi to focus- or was it his rapidly beating heart which caused more bloodloss doing that? If that wasn't enough, the sting in Lavi's leg still had not healed properly. He had been neglecting taking proper care of it, and he was forced to limp about pitifully. Finally, he found a handkerchief in one of his drawers and hastily wrapped it around his wound just in time for his door to be knocked off its hinges by a firm kick. And there stood Kanda in all his fury, mugen unsheathed and a murderous expression on the pale man's face. Honestly, Lavi was terrified- afraid of being discovered and just plain afraid of his companion's outrageous temper- but he hid his wrist behind his back and tried to act normally. Whatever normal was…

"Y-Yuu! What brings you up here? Ahaa…"

"Don't play dumb with me, carrot top! Your lazing about is pushing more and more work onto me! Get off your lazy ass and pull your own weight, or I'll-"

"Ahh!" Lavi squealed slightly, seeing Kanda raise his mugen up, and unconsciously, both hands rose in his own defense. However, Kanda suddenly stopped, eyes fixed on something. Lavi, lightheaded and afraid, was unsure what he was looking at… until he followed his companion's gaze back to the makeshift bandage. With a gasp, Lavi again hid it behind his back and turned his head away. But the damage was done and he was most certainly caught.

Kanda stared at him for a moment longer, trying to understand the situation. Curiously, he looked around the room. He spotted the box and the blade on the floor, then, suspiciously, his eyes wandered up Lavi's body, finally noticing the speckles of blood on his clothing. This was not something he had expected… He had half expected to barge in on Lavi looking at indecent things or goofing off with the moyashi, but not this… He wasn't sure if he should be disgusted, angry or indifferent, but the first two felt more right, so the glare returned to his face as he forcefully grabbed Lavi's hiding wrist and held it as he pinned the redhead to the nearest wall. Lavi still wasn't looking at him- he knew what he was doing was wrong, and yet…

"You idiot." Lavi closed his eyes.

"Please… don't tell…" Lavi pleaded pathetically. This, somehow, just made Kanda angrier.

"I should tell. What you're doing to yourself it just… disgraceful! What the hell is going on in that mushy head of yours?"

"I….." Lavi couldn't think.

"Well? Explain yourself! Why are you hacking yourself up like an idiot?" He still couldn't answer. Any explanation he could use was weak and wouldn't rightly justify his actions. He couldn't respond, so he shrunk slightly under Kanda's gaze, biting his lip. Realizing that he wasn't going to respond, Kanda released him and hardened his glare.

"Pull yourself together. Like this, you're no good to anyone…" And with that, he stomped out, leaving Lavi shaking and weak. His legs, which could barely hold him before his lecture, finally gave out, and he fell to the floor to sob quietly to himself.

He truly… was a pitiful creature…


	2. Chapter 2

Kanda stormed out of Lavi's room quickly, mind racing and desperately trying to fathom what he had just seen. In fact, he left so quickly and was so distracted that he forgot where he was going and wandered aimlessly through the halls. His pace gradually began to slow the farther he got from Lavi's room until his feet stopped moving altogether, the shock finally starting to settle in to replace his anger. What had he uncovered…? Sure, Kanda didn't know Lavi that well, and he knew the redhead had just gone through a difficult case, but still… to go that far… It felt surreal to Kanda. Why would Lavi mutilate himself like that? And better yet, why did Kanda even care?

For the longest time, Kanda couldn't move. Co-workers passed by him and stared at the usually scary and stoic exorcist who now resembled a bewildered statue. Kanda was left alone- everyone too afraid to approach him- until Allen came walking up. He was on his way to lunch, of course, coming from the clinic after a positive health check. Almost nothing could have gotten him down, until he spotted Kanda in the hall, white as a sheet. The sight of him was worrisome and Allen couldn't simply pass him by like the others. He approached slowly, cautiously, just in case Kanda was setting a clever trap for him, and slowly, he waved a hand in front of the other's face. Nothing. Allen called his name. Silence. Now Allen was starting to panic. If talking wasn't going to snap him out of it, there was only one other option to get his companion to snap out of his daze. That method, obviously, was to strike Kanda in the head. Almost immediately, Kanda's head shot up and with it came a ferocious glare.

"Temee, nani shitenno yo!" Kanda shouted, reaching for his sword. This prompted Allen to quickly rush backwards and throw his hands up in fear.

"Gomen gomen! Don't kill me!"

"Why shouldn't I?!" Honestly, he was tempted. VERY tempted to end the life of that damned moyashi.

"I was just worried! You were standing there staring off into space for a long time!" Kanda took a step closer, ready to strike him back, but Allen's words stopped him and again, his mind recalled the image he'd seen just before…. Lavi…. He just looked so… ruined… What could possibly be going through his mind? Allen was again worried about him and reached out, but his hand was swiftly batted away moments before Kanda pushed roughly past him.

"Ah… Kanda! Are you okay?" Allen yelled after him.

"I'm fine! I don't need some dumb moyashi worrying about me!"

"It's Allen! A-l-l-e-n!" He corrected, but Kanda was already gone. With a sigh, Allen continued on his way to the cafeteria. Upon entering, many pairs of eyes were instantly on him… A lot of people had heard of his last case and just how devastating it had been… but weren't they all, in some ways? He merely smiled at them and waved before going up to order his usual abundance of food. Finally, after so long, he'd gotten his large apetite back! His favorite chef was so happy to see him and made him an extra helpi of dumplings to congratulate him on his recovery. He gladly ate everything on his plate and it was at this time that Lenalee and Krory wandered in. It didn't take them long to spot him and his mountain of empty dishes.

"Allen-kun!" Lenalee shouted, rushing over. Allen looked up and smiled at them.

"Lenalee! Krory!"

"You're looking well, Allen." Krory noted with a smile.

"Hai! The doctors say I made a near perfect recovery!"

"Near perfect…?" Lenalee had a somewhat worrysome expression.

"Ah, it's nothing to worry about! The damage was pretty bad, but I can live a normal life, despite that!"

"That's great, Allen!" Krory looked almost in tears at the good news. "We were so concerned, finding you in such poor health!"

"He's right… we were so worried! You must have been terrified!" But in respone, Allen merely shook his head.

"I wasn't worried… because… I trusted that Lavi would take care of me… and he did! I owe him my life!"

"I'm glad…. How is he doing?"

Silence suddenly fell between them as Krory's question emerged and the three of them exchanged glances.

"I… haven't seen him." Lenalee admitted.

"Actually, neither have I…" Allen said next.

"Nor have I…" So strange… none of them had seen or heard from him since their return weeks ago.

"That's strange…" Allen looked perplexed. "When was the last time any of us saw him?" Lenalee remembered…

"Allen, the last time… was when we brought you back. He was having his leg examined and at the same time you were unconscious… the doctors found the infection… and Lavi went white as a sheet. They took you away for surgery and Lavi…." Her voice trailed off, disturbed by the memory. Allen leaned closer, becoming conerned, himself.

"What is it, Lenalee…?" Seeing as she was still in shock, Krory answered for her.

"He lost it. He suffered a mental breakdown and stormed out of hospital before he was finished with treatment."

"Hontou desu ka?!" Allen's eyes went wide. "That's awful!"

"Yes… but Bookman comes by now and then… he says Lavi is alright, even if no one sees him…"

"We don't even see him come down here to eat!"

"….Lavi…" Allen was silent for a moment before he stood and went back to speak with the chef. He soon came back carrying a tray of soup and a few other things.

"You're still hungry, Allen-kun?" Lenalee asked, shaking her head.

"Mm-mm. This…. Is for Lavi. I'll stop by his room and deliver it!"

"Allen-kun… how kind of you!" She smiled brightly. "I'm sure he'll be happy!"

"I hope so!" And so it was settled…. Allen really wanted to see Lavi, anyway. They had… things to discuss. Too many words were left unsaid that he just needed to get off his chest.

Meanwhile, across the building, Bookman was seated in Komui's office, drinking tea and discussing a case. Komui set down the file after explaining its contents.

"I don't want to push his limits… but it's been a very long time since he's been out on a mission…"

"Yes it has… and I agree he needs to get out. Sitting in one place too long makes him get stupid thoughts."

"So you'll accept the mission?" Bookman paused to think a moment, the wheels in his mind turning. "…Lavi will go."

"Mm?" Komui looked up at him.

"I wont be going. He needs to get his act together… send someone else with him."

"Someone else…. Ah, do you mean…?" Komui's eyes widened. "Do you think he's ready?"

"I do. He was given the green light… besides, if they go together, I think it'll be best."

"If you really think so… I'll set it up, then. They can leave tonight if they're ready."

"They will be." Komui nodded his head and called for this other person to come to his office while Bookman left, heading for Lavi's room. When he arrived, however, he spotted Allen stopping at his door with a tray of food. Instead of making himself known, he stood back and did what Bookmen did best… he observed. Allen softly knocked on the door, unsure if Lavi was there or perhaps sleeping… when he received no reply, he tried again before calling out softly.

"Lavi? Lavi, are you there?" Sure enough, he was…. He was always there, but Allen was the last person he expected at his door. Sitting up in bed, he suddenly went rigid. Allen's voice… it was… painful. He didn't have the heart to respond. Maybe if he was silent, Allen would think he was out and go away… Instead, Allen knocked again.

"Lavi… I don't know if you can hear me, but… I brought you some food!" Food… Lavi's empty stomach growled a little louder than he wanted it to.

"Everyone is worried about you… and I am, too. Will you open the door?" open it? No… Lavi shut his eyes and wished he would just leave, instead of standing there at his door like an angel at the gates of judgement. Lavi… he would be judged… he would be found guilty of so many wrongs… including the almost-murder of his beloved friend! He couldn't take it….! After a while, Allen sighed and set the tray down.

"I'll leave this hear for you… maybe when you wake up, you and I… can talk a bit. I'd really like to see you… hear your voice…" Stop… stop, stop, stop…! Lavi covered his ears tightly. 'Just go away!' he pleaded silently.

"Lavi…" 'Stop saying my name!' his mind shouted, tears forming in his eyes.

"I hope you're alright…" Lavi heard the sound of Allen's boots as he walked away and when he did, he just felt more guilty. He's nearly killed him twice, avoided him, and now he was worried about him? Just how many times could he screw up?! Lavi was in a very dark place… that kind of darkness that only blood could fix… so he shakily reached under his bed, but before he could take hold of the wooden box once more, he heard the jingle of keys as they unlocked his door. Lavi stiffened again. But.. the only one who had a key was…. Sure enough, Bookman walked through the door and shut it behind him. He had a tray of food in his hand…. Allen's present to him. The expression the old panda wore was the same as it had been… he was angry… worried…. And somewhat annoyed by his stupidity. Obviously he knew what Lavi had been doing to himself and though he didn't approve, something about the look in his eyes said that he understood. Bookman offered the redhead the tray, which Lavi silently refused. He couldn't… actually, he had trouble keeping anything down as of late.

"Eat, Lavi."

"M'not hungry…"

"Uso." The old panda saw right through him. "You haven't eaten in two days. Eat this now or I'll shove it down your throat."

"…Twisted old geezer…" Very reluctantly, Lavi took the tray and ate slowly, almost fearful that the food had been poisoned. But why would Allen poison the food? To get back at him for what he'd done? No, Allen wasn't that callous…. Now Yuu… that's something he'd do in a heartbeat, especially after what he found out only a while earlier. While he ate, Bookman watched him. It was a pitiful sight…

"You need to pick up the pieces, Lavi. I've let you lament in this room for far too long. Move past it."

"…How am I supposed to move past it? It was my fault…"

"Things happen."

"Don't be so laid back about it!" lavi snapped at him, suddenly. "To you it may seem like nothing, but you don't know what it was like! To feel his heart slow and stop! To feel his blood run cold in my hands! You don't' know!"

"He's alive because of you, Lavi. Or did you forget that?"

"…..Ch'…" Lavi looked away, ignoring the question. He saved Allen? Yeah, from himself… they just barely avoided catastrophe… it was by some miracle that Allen wasn't brain dead.

"You had to make split decisions, and your instincts saved his life. He lives, Lavi… and you're sitting in here brooding like he didn't make it."

"…..I can't help it, Ji ji…" Lavi's head went down. "I close my eyes and it just happens all over again… I somehow… forgot how to turn off these memories… Why, after all the war and death I've seen, can I not block these memories?"

"Perhaps… because Allen means something more to you. I did warn you… not to get attached. In the end, this is what I was trying to stop from happening. You've suffered a meltdown, but now you need to be a man and get over it."

"How am I supposed to get over it…?"

"Distract yourself. I've already set it up…you leave for a new mission tonight. The boat will be waiting at the very bottom of this tower."

"A mission… heh…" A strange, eerie smile forced its way onto his face. "Throwing me back in there, eh…? Who am I going to kill this time?"

"…" Then, quite unexpectedly, Bookman hit him across the head. "Akuma, idiot! You kill Akuma!"

"…hai…." Lavi needed a good smacking around sometimes, and the ache in his head was relieving him somewhat. Maybe he didn't need to cut again. He tried to stand, however, and the pain in his leg forced him back onto the bed. Bookman's eyes narrowed.

"Still…?"

"Un…" Lavi lightly rubbed the area in his leg that still hurt. The wound had closed, but somehow, it still caused him great pain. "It wont stop… what good am I gunna be out there?"

"…Maybe it isn't the injury that hurts. Perhaps it's in your head."

"In my head? Ah, no, the pain is in my leg."

"I disagree… but it's not something I can just tell you. You'll figure it out on your own…" Bookman reached into one of his sleeves and pulled out a small black case, handing it over to Lavi.

"For now, take one pill when it hurts. It should ease the pain and allow you to move about more freely. If the pain intensifies… use the injection inside. There is also another pill to take at night… to help you sleep."

"Heh… resorting to something like this… what a pitiful joke I am." Lavi lamented.

"Yes. You are pitiful… so hurry up and get over it."

"…..I'll try…"

Or so he said, but… could he? Really…?

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((Note: Yay! I'm back to working on this! It's been far too long, but now that things offline are more stable, I'm going to be updating again! I know it's been a long time, but I hope you, my loyal readers can forgive me! I'll be working on the next chapter right away, so hopefully you'll continue to read, review and enjoy these stories of mine! Much more to come, so stay tuned! Thank you!

Kanan~))


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